Two posts in a row.

I’m feeling like someone needs to come over here right now and slap a gold star on my forehead. This is my second post in the same year. It’s like I’m truly on a fucking roll here.

Three days of this new fitness cycle down.

I feel better about myself this week.
I feel accomplished this week.
I feel like I’m worthwhile this week.
And in the end, that’s part of this whole thing for me.

I have totally, 100% lost myself since my injury. I fell into a really deep, really dark spiral of depression and anxiety. I became angry and sad, withdrawn and lonely. I’ve felt worthless for so long. I have been fighting, on a daily basis, to figure out who the fuck I am (if you can’t tell, I’m a habitual cusser) and what I want in my life. I walk by mirrors and I actually can’t stand to look at myself. I’ve gone to stores because I needed new clothes and cried in the dressing rooms. I’ve picked myself apart physically so much over the course of the past two years that I managed to chip away at my core – and I’ve labeled myself as lazy, unmotivated, and awful.

Here’s the truth of it. I gave up.

I did. And it really pains me to actually see the words up on my screen right now as I’m typing them. Eventually I’ll get much deeper into all of this, but for right now…that’s about as deep as I can go.

So I’m going to keep on keepin’ on, pushing myself up and out of this place that I’ve been in.

Side Note: I started taking this growth hormone supplement on Monday night. Let me preface all of this by saying that the supplement itself is made up of nothing more than amino acids and one Japanese herb in such a small amount, that either it’s going to be of some benefit or it’s going to do nothing at all. That being said, Monday night I had some super vivid and somewhat scary dreams and had to pee multiple times. Tuesday night, same thing. Scary, vivid dreams and quite a bit of peeing. I also noticed that on Tuesday at around 7:30pm, I started to crash. Yesterday, Wednesday, I felt sluggish all day. Didn’t have much energy. My workout was pretty sluggish. Last night I crashed again, early evening, and I slept awfully last night. At one point I woke up thinking that I was having a heart attack or had stopped breathing.  Today I have an awful headache, I’m exhausted, and it’s not a great feeling. My suspicion is that something in this supplement is causing me to dehydrate, OR I didn’t fuel my body properly yesterday. So water it is for the day. We shall see. 

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